Culture shock? more like Identity shock.

Coming home has been so much harder than I ever imagined. I think South Africa introduced me to a side of myself I hadn't been in touch with. In some ways it was more true than the person I am while I'm in the United States. Anyway, while I've been home I've had to deal with the crippling pain that is finding one's own identity apart from almost everyone/everything one usually uses to define one's self. In this way, as painful as it has been, maybe breaking up with Tim has its benefits. I've been with him since I was 18, and although we've grown together beautifully I have a long way to go in finding myself as a person. I can't let my personality attach itself to his like a vine on a tree (or his to mine), it could kill us both. So here I am, going through excruciating emotional growing pains. Sometimes I'm great, sometimes I feel like my legs are just going to buckle beneath me. I do feel like I'm getting closer to something, and if I'm willing to listen I have a lot to learn about myself. I've been trying to get back together with Tim, but I have to be careful not to be with him out of fear of being alone, and not tricking myself into thinking that's not why I'm doing it if it in fact actually is. I wish it wasn't so easy to lie to yourself. Anyway, I suppose my point is that my culture shock isn't quite typical, it is more of a reality/identity shock. The journey really started in Africa, when I had hours to be alone, and I started realizing things about myself that I didn't know. The journey continues now that I've been here, alone, for about two weeks. I don't know what will happen next, but I can say that for better or for worse, even if I have to endure more of this kind of pain, that I will be satisfied with any result.